“Some men aren’t looking for anything logical like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.”
This quote may describe Kim Jong Un, North Korean leader and avid one-ply toilet paper user. This man is a leader who has almost completely alienated his country from the rest of the world. He has made countless human rights violations, imprisoned thousands of people for no reason and made threats to use weapons of mass destruction against America.
He must be stopped! But how? We don’t want to engage in war without probable cause; yet we don’t want to stand idly by long enough for North Korea to become a large enough threat to the world. We have to negotiate. We have to send someone. But who? A US ambassador? No. An ambassador would be viewed as a threat and would probably get imprisoned or killed. It can’t be anyone who Americans support. It can’t be someone speaks for America. It can’t be someone logical who will try to reason and negotiate with North Korea. We have to send the most illogical, bizarre, insane person we can find in our country. We have to send… Dennis Rodman.
After visiting with Kim Jong Un, Rodman reported back with this:
“He wants Obama to do one thing: Call him,” Rodman told ABC’s George Stephanopoulos on “This Week.” “He said, ‘If you can, Dennis – I don’t want [to] do war. I don’t want to do war.’ He said that to me.”
“[Kim] loves basketball. And I said the same thing, I said, ‘Obama loves basketball.’ Let’s start there,” Rodman said.
Basketball! Of course! Why didn’t we think of that before!? Kim Jong Un doesn’t want to talk about war! He wants to talk about the chemistry between Dwight Howard and Kobe Bryant! He wants to talk about the Heat’s big three! He wants to enter Obama’s March Madness pool! Just give him a call, let’s get the ball rolling!
Is this really happening? Does the answer to the world’s North Korean problem lie with this man?
Is Dennis Rodman really about to save the world? It could all be a big attention grab but still. We’ve tried negotiating with them. We’ve tried sanctions. We’ve tried threatening them. Maybe the answer can’t be found in the “Another Country is Being an Asshole, What Does America Do?” handbook. Maybe we need to think outside the box on this one. Fight crazy with crazy.
The best part is that Dennis Rodman isn’t doing this because we’re telling him to. He’s doing this out of his own free will. It’s like he knows the world needs him. He knows that it’s his time to step and be the hero that American needs. There’s really only one way to say it best:
Dennis Rodman is the hero America deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.